I have experienced bouts of depression since I was a teenager, and until two years ago it went undiagnosed and untreated. But it's obvious that's what it is -- my twin sister has it, too, and I suspect my mom has battled it off and on.
The funny thing is (and lots of things are funny when you're depressive!) that I'm really glad I have this condition. That's not to say it isn't hard -- when I'm deep in it, there's nothing worse. But in a way, it saved me.
I used to wish I was stable and able to get along in life like everyone else -- the neural-normatives, I call them. Depression has kept me from holding down a normal job: try telling an employer that you have to stay home because you're
despondent. It doesn't fly. I am often so tired I need to sleep in the middle of the day. Or I can't stop crying. I need proper diet, sleep and exercise if I'm going to be in top condition. And then there are the relationships that have crumbled under depression's weight. It's not easy for me to live with, but at least to me it's familiar and I know what's going on. It's not always pretty, that's for sure.
The thing is, once I was diagnosed and put on antidepressants, I could tell the difference between the brain's mighty chemistry and real problems. I could sense the nuances, brush off what's just a bad mood and concentrate on, say, developing closer friendships and working on being better.
Now that I'm off my meds, it's amazing. The range of emotions I used to have is back, and I can still tell the difference between a bad neurotransmitter day and true life crises. You have to respect the brain; those with no mental-health issues will never know how tenuous is the balance of brain chemistry we rely on, just to understand our world.
And that's makes me so very grateful when I'm not depressed. I would say that depression makes me a happier person, because I don't take being not-depressed for granted. I know that there are things that can make me happy; I study them and try to find other ways to keep myself sane. I know to monitor my moods and to appreciate every one of them, because they are all precious. Even the crappy ones.
One of the things that I've learned is that happiness is not the opposite of depression. Grumpiness and negativity are.
I can be depressed, and I know to take care of myself during those times. When I'm not, you can bet I'm going to enjoy it. The little things don't bother me as much. I choose to be optimistic, and I've found that it leads to much happier outcomes when I tackle problems.
I'm fine now, but I know that it's pretty likely that I'll have another episode someday, get back on medications, and get better.
That's another thing -- I've been through this enough times to know that it's just something to get through. And I've always gotten better. Depression is like winter; it's, well, depressing, but every day you're in it, you're closer to spring. It's part of a process, and may in fact be necessary for flowers to bloom. Cheesy! But what do I have to lose? The good times can end at any minute. So why worry?
Mari Sasano is a freelance writer in Edmonton.
© Copyright (c) Canwest News Servicehttp://www.thestarphoenix.com/health/glad+depressed/1561740/story.html
The funny thing is (and lots of things are funny when you're depressive!) that I'm really glad I have this condition. That's not to say it isn't hard -- when I'm deep in it, there's nothing worse. But in a way, it saved me.
I used to wish I was stable and able to get along in life like everyone else -- the neural-normatives, I call them. Depression has kept me from holding down a normal job: try telling an employer that you have to stay home because you're
despondent. It doesn't fly. I am often so tired I need to sleep in the middle of the day. Or I can't stop crying. I need proper diet, sleep and exercise if I'm going to be in top condition. And then there are the relationships that have crumbled under depression's weight. It's not easy for me to live with, but at least to me it's familiar and I know what's going on. It's not always pretty, that's for sure.
The thing is, once I was diagnosed and put on antidepressants, I could tell the difference between the brain's mighty chemistry and real problems. I could sense the nuances, brush off what's just a bad mood and concentrate on, say, developing closer friendships and working on being better.
Now that I'm off my meds, it's amazing. The range of emotions I used to have is back, and I can still tell the difference between a bad neurotransmitter day and true life crises. You have to respect the brain; those with no mental-health issues will never know how tenuous is the balance of brain chemistry we rely on, just to understand our world.
And that's makes me so very grateful when I'm not depressed. I would say that depression makes me a happier person, because I don't take being not-depressed for granted. I know that there are things that can make me happy; I study them and try to find other ways to keep myself sane. I know to monitor my moods and to appreciate every one of them, because they are all precious. Even the crappy ones.
One of the things that I've learned is that happiness is not the opposite of depression. Grumpiness and negativity are.
I can be depressed, and I know to take care of myself during those times. When I'm not, you can bet I'm going to enjoy it. The little things don't bother me as much. I choose to be optimistic, and I've found that it leads to much happier outcomes when I tackle problems.
I'm fine now, but I know that it's pretty likely that I'll have another episode someday, get back on medications, and get better.
That's another thing -- I've been through this enough times to know that it's just something to get through. And I've always gotten better. Depression is like winter; it's, well, depressing, but every day you're in it, you're closer to spring. It's part of a process, and may in fact be necessary for flowers to bloom. Cheesy! But what do I have to lose? The good times can end at any minute. So why worry?
Mari Sasano is a freelance writer in Edmonton.
© Copyright (c) Canwest News Servicehttp://www.thestarphoenix.com/health/glad+depressed/1561740/story.html
No comments:
Post a Comment